So everyone knows that the way to get someone's attention is to play hard to get. I was surprised to learn that social psychologists have an official term for the benefits of ignoring someone who interests you. The hard-to-get effect refers to the way in which people are more attracted to people whom they have to work harder to spend time with (Walster et al., 1973). Playing hard to get is always encouraged when someone has trouble getting the attention of the person they are interested in. However, because I am a woman, I am particularly exposed to this effect and I and all of my friends have used it to our advantage in many situations. One situation in particular stands out in my mind though. One of my friends knows a guy that works at a bar, and he also happens to be interested in her. She has known this guy, and known he is interested, for over a year. Everytime we go to this bar the guy walks up to say hello. I of course always say, "hey, here he comes!" She insists on pretending not to notice him until he is right in front of her face and always refuses to seek him out when we are there. I finally asked her what the big deal is. She told me "I have been slowly building up flirting with him for over a year and I'm not going to ruin it now. If I give him the attention he wants then he will forget about it and it won't be fun anymore. If I continue to ignore him though then he will continue to fall all over me." Very wise. She knew that she didn't want the attention to end and that the only way to prevent that was to maintain her allusiveness. It is a pretty extreme example- most people don't play hard to get for over a year- but it is continuing to work and he is contiuing to chase her around everytime she is in sight.
Walster, E., Walster, G. W., Pilliavin, J., & Schmidt, L. (1973). "Playing hard-to-get": Understanding an elusive phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 26, 113-121.
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3 comments:
It is crazy how scientists do label the various tricks that humans use in dating. There is such a fine balance between ignoring the person to where you appear mean, versus giving them just enough attention to keep them interested. Something is very captivating and empowering about it, similar to the excitement of secret relationships. I hope something eventually comes of your friend and the bartender at least for the sake of seeing whether the effect can result in a relationship!
I totally agree. The idea that ignoring someone can actually heighten their attraction is such a strange concept to me. And yet it is so pervasive that there are social psychological theories that have been found specifically to identify these types of social attraction ideas. It is also funny, just from my standpoint that even being mean to another person can cause them to chase you more, because even though you're not giving them the attention that they initially wanted, you are still giving them attention.
I have never personally used the hard-to-get strategy but I'm not sure that it is 100% effective. I definitely think it depends on the person who is the chaser. A lot of my guy friends say that they hate it when girls play hard to get because they're probably lazy and don't want to put that much effort into making a close relationship. For them, if too much effort or work is involved, they just give up (unless it's a girl they really really like). On the other hand, other guys I know like the game because it's effortful. I guess in the end it depends on individual preferences, but I agree: it's an interesting strategy for gaining interest.
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